Nerdfighters Gazette

So I figured I would start this column off with a bang. Let’s hit up the movie that has the entire world (and several other jungle-covered worlds) blowing James Cameron: AVATAR.

First off I want to say that I fucking adore Jimmy C. His body of work basically defined my childhood as far as films go. I grew up watching TERMINATOR, T2, ALIENS, THE ABYSS, TRUE LIES and even TITANIC as often as my friends and I could scrape together enough lunch money to walk up to the local video shop and grab one of those VHS tapes off the shelf (yes, we actually walked and yes, we actually watched VHS tapes). Hell, I even got into his TV show Dark Angel, which launched the career of  über-hottie Jessica Alba as Max. So the man has made some seriously high quality stuff. But Avatar isn’t one of ‘em.

I didn’t quite get the hype surrounding this film from the get go. Where did the hype come from? I had heard that James Cameron was making a film called Avatar. And that it was going to be in 3D. But that’s all I had heard. I never saw a teaser trailer. I never saw an actual trailer either. But although I don’t watch much television in the traditional sense (read: I torrent my favorite shows), I do spend an INORDINATE amount of time on the internet, where film hype thrives and trailers can be found at one of the many websites I frequent on a daily (if not hourly) basis. Apparently the phrase “James Cameron is making a 3D movie called Avatar” is all that people had to hear before offering to give the man blowjobs. But hey, I like blowjobs. So kudos to Jimmy C for that.

Now let’s get to the film itself. The plot is most definitely nothing revolutionary. As a matter of fact anyone who has picked up an American history book or watched a certain Disney animated feature (or the Colin Farrell live action feature) knows that it’s the story of Pocahontas, ripped right out of history and slammed into a new futuristic world. It’s a story we’ve all heard before, but it’s not a bad story so I can give him a pass on that.

On to the visuals, which is the hill that this film’s defenders prefer to die on. Make a negative comment about this flick and the first question from an Avatard (like it? That shit’s copyrighted yo) is “Did you see it in 3D?” Why does that matter? The 3D is nothing more than a gimmick. It just makes it pretty to look at. It adds NOTHING to the story. The defense to that is usually “But that immerses the viewer in the story.” Bullshit. People have been getting immersed in films for decades without the use of 3D so if that is what makes this movie so fantastic then Jim Cameron failed miserably as a filmmaker on this project. A penny is still a penny, no matter how shiny it is.

Let’s quickly hit up the animation, shall we? For the most part the animation stood out (and not in the good “But it’s in 3D!” way). The Na’vi didn’t feel as if they had any weight to them. Seeing as how they are twice as tall as humans, they sure as hell had better be heavier. And they didn’t look completely realistic to me either. Now 10 years ago they would have passed that litmus test. But since LORD OF THE RINGS and Gollum, there’s a new standard and this movie didn’t reach it. Finally, everything was a bit TOO colorful in my opinion. Pandora seemed as if a child had colored it with their 16 piece crayon set. A little bit of desaturation and I buy the world of Pandora as real. As it is, it actually served in helping pull me OUT of the movie.

Quick hits: the dialogue was okay at its best. The acting was fine. I especially enjoyed Stephen Lang as the Colonel and hated Giovanni Ribisi’s character (which is a compliment). The 3D was an improvement over how it has been used in the past, but in the end it’s still a gimmick.

THE VERDICT
Watching this flick felt like fucking the same hooker for the 10th time, only this time she’d had some plastic surgery done. Sure she’s prettier and her tits are bigger, but in the end the experience is the same and you’ll never see that $10 again.

NEXT REVIEW
Star Trek starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana and Simon Pegg

My eyes open, eyelashes fluttering.  My vision is bleary; I can’t see yet.  My eyes adjust, and there it is.  The window.  It is open, and a soft breeze is cascading past the thin sarong that I’ve hung in a failed attempt to block out the sunlight.  Or at least that’s what I tell people.

Glancing around my bedroom, you can’t really tell a lot about who I am.  The walls are bare and white, no posters are hung, no pictures are framed, not even a calendar to show my taste in puppies.  The furniture is all the same: light, worn wood.  There is nothing on the floor; no papers scattered around to be gathered up in the morning for class.  My backpack is slouching against my full-length mirror.  No pictures are tucked into the sides.

I don’t have a computer; Uncle Dan says those are too distracting, that I have to focus on my schooling.  I always disagreed with this.  If there was one thing that every teenager of the 2000s needed, it was a computer.  And to make things ironic, most of my research could be done much more easily if I had my own laptop.  I always have to go to the library and tell Uncle Dan that I’m using books.  I don’t get his beef with computers, but he just hates them for some reason or another.

Pretty much the only thing that shows any hint of my personality is the amount of soda cans that I have stocked up on my window sill.  All of them are Sprite cans, except for one.  That one lone blue can.

The label says Pepsi, but when I was drinking out of it, it sure as hell wasn’t any type of cola.  No, it was filled with vodka.  It’s what the kids these days are drinking, don’t you know.

My uncle doesn’t know about the drinking, though.  If he did, he’d kill me.  Or worse.  But it’s not like he doesn’t do that anyway.  What’s another excuse to get inside?

… I didn’t just say that.

Ignore me.

I’ve never had a boyfriend.  All of the boys at school are too interested in large chests and open legs, that I just don’t seem to show up on their radar.  Maybe I’m just not pretty enough.  Then again, Uncle Dan always did like pretty girls.  Just my luck, I’ve shown up on his scanner.

But I didn’t just say that either.

The door opens abruptly in my bedroom, and there is Uncle Dan.  And would you look at that!  His eyes are already drooping, his cheeks flushed red, and his mouth slightly agape.  Seems as though he’s ready for a morning quickie.

He meanders over to me, not saying a word.  I lie in silence, watching him.  Looking at my face, you might say I seemed curious and innocent.  But it’s just easier that way.

The blankets are peeled off, slowly.  Then my shirt.  You don’t need to know the rest.

About fifteen minutes later, and Uncle Dan is exhausted.  He rolls over to the side, keeping still in my bed.  He doesn’t make a sound.  You might think he was dead.  He’s not.  I’ve gotten over checking for the slowing heartbeat, the quiet breath.

Something catches my eye and I glance over at the window again and I see that the wind has picked up.  The sarong is blowing almost horizontally.  Just beneath it, the empty Pepsi can is almost toppled over.  It teeters, it totters, but never quite makes it.  No, it just keeps rolling back and straightening itself out.  I wish I could straighten myself out.  But I guess I’m too busy trying to teeter, totter, topple over.

Fucking Pepsi can.

Hello soon to be loyal readers!

I am the resident film geek here at the Nerdfighters Gazette and it will be my duty to bring you all of the news and reviews from the film and television industry. Of course, you will only see it after it has gone through my film geek filter, so be forewarned: this is an opinion column. When I present you news, I’ll give my opinion on said news. When I see a flick, I’ll give you my opinion on it. When I take a dump, I’ll tweet about it. And then I’ll give you my opinion on it.

Also, this won’t be a family-friendly column either (as if you hadn’t figured that out already). I will swear. I will rant. And I will probably use graphic descriptions of deviant sexual acts as a rating system instead of the “star” or “thumb” systems. They’re just more interesting. So if that’s going to bother you, don’t read my column. There are plenty of film critic columns out there that will pander to you. Still interested? Then subscribe to my RSS feed as well as the RSS for Film Geek Critique.

I also encourage readers to leave their thoughts via the comment section, but if you want to go on the offensive heed this warning: attack my opinions, call me out on misinformation, but DON’T attack me personally. Comments in the vain of “you’re an idiot” will probably not be approved unless I can think of a witty comeback. Remember: “Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.” – Richard Vernon, THE BREAKFAST CLUB

If you haven’t heard, DailyBooth is a social network where one posts one picture of themselves or something relevant every day.  With this site, you can see how you’ve changed over time, make friends, or even track a pregnancy!  It’s owned by a guy named Jon (@jon on DailyBooth) who is an entrepreneur.  He lives in England, and is always working on making his site better.

The point of this article is to ask the Nerdfighter community: Do you booth daily?  Do you booth at all?  (NOTE: To “booth” is to post a picture on DailyBooth, like to “google” is to search something on Google.)  Do you sometimes double booth? (NOTE: Double boothing is to post two pictures in one day on DailyBooth.)

Link us to your DailyBooth profile in the comments!

VidCon is a huge video conference that’s going to happen this summer.  If you haven’t heard of it, you can check it out here.  My question for the Nerdfighter is: are you attending this awesome event?  I AM!