Nerdfighters Gazette

So I figured I would start this column off with a bang. Let’s hit up the movie that has the entire world (and several other jungle-covered worlds) blowing James Cameron: AVATAR.

First off I want to say that I fucking adore Jimmy C. His body of work basically defined my childhood as far as films go. I grew up watching TERMINATOR, T2, ALIENS, THE ABYSS, TRUE LIES and even TITANIC as often as my friends and I could scrape together enough lunch money to walk up to the local video shop and grab one of those VHS tapes off the shelf (yes, we actually walked and yes, we actually watched VHS tapes). Hell, I even got into his TV show Dark Angel, which launched the career of  über-hottie Jessica Alba as Max. So the man has made some seriously high quality stuff. But Avatar isn’t one of ‘em.

I didn’t quite get the hype surrounding this film from the get go. Where did the hype come from? I had heard that James Cameron was making a film called Avatar. And that it was going to be in 3D. But that’s all I had heard. I never saw a teaser trailer. I never saw an actual trailer either. But although I don’t watch much television in the traditional sense (read: I torrent my favorite shows), I do spend an INORDINATE amount of time on the internet, where film hype thrives and trailers can be found at one of the many websites I frequent on a daily (if not hourly) basis. Apparently the phrase “James Cameron is making a 3D movie called Avatar” is all that people had to hear before offering to give the man blowjobs. But hey, I like blowjobs. So kudos to Jimmy C for that.

Now let’s get to the film itself. The plot is most definitely nothing revolutionary. As a matter of fact anyone who has picked up an American history book or watched a certain Disney animated feature (or the Colin Farrell live action feature) knows that it’s the story of Pocahontas, ripped right out of history and slammed into a new futuristic world. It’s a story we’ve all heard before, but it’s not a bad story so I can give him a pass on that.

On to the visuals, which is the hill that this film’s defenders prefer to die on. Make a negative comment about this flick and the first question from an Avatard (like it? That shit’s copyrighted yo) is “Did you see it in 3D?” Why does that matter? The 3D is nothing more than a gimmick. It just makes it pretty to look at. It adds NOTHING to the story. The defense to that is usually “But that immerses the viewer in the story.” Bullshit. People have been getting immersed in films for decades without the use of 3D so if that is what makes this movie so fantastic then Jim Cameron failed miserably as a filmmaker on this project. A penny is still a penny, no matter how shiny it is.

Let’s quickly hit up the animation, shall we? For the most part the animation stood out (and not in the good “But it’s in 3D!” way). The Na’vi didn’t feel as if they had any weight to them. Seeing as how they are twice as tall as humans, they sure as hell had better be heavier. And they didn’t look completely realistic to me either. Now 10 years ago they would have passed that litmus test. But since LORD OF THE RINGS and Gollum, there’s a new standard and this movie didn’t reach it. Finally, everything was a bit TOO colorful in my opinion. Pandora seemed as if a child had colored it with their 16 piece crayon set. A little bit of desaturation and I buy the world of Pandora as real. As it is, it actually served in helping pull me OUT of the movie.

Quick hits: the dialogue was okay at its best. The acting was fine. I especially enjoyed Stephen Lang as the Colonel and hated Giovanni Ribisi’s character (which is a compliment). The 3D was an improvement over how it has been used in the past, but in the end it’s still a gimmick.

THE VERDICT
Watching this flick felt like fucking the same hooker for the 10th time, only this time she’d had some plastic surgery done. Sure she’s prettier and her tits are bigger, but in the end the experience is the same and you’ll never see that $10 again.

NEXT REVIEW
Star Trek starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana and Simon Pegg